It’s been some time since I’ve felt the need to post a blog. Lacking due to a combination of hard times, good times and confusing times completely overwhelming me. I’ve always found my blogs a great way of pouring out everything that’s going on in my life, particularly when times are rough. Today I suppose has has been the ultimate culmination of numerous factors in my life at the moment
I consider myself to be quite a genuine and upfront personality, and while I am a giving person, I rarely expect anything in return other than gratitude and appreciation, be that a simple thank you or a nice hug. What I don’t expect is drunken or ill conceived comment thrown my good will back in my face.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am far from an angel and I know full well that when I’m in a bad mood, or struggling with other areas in my life, I can be a difficult individual to interact with. However, maintaining a certain level of decorum based on the fundamentals of social integration is key when dealing with the aforementioned. What I don’t expect are those closest to me completely shunning personal relationships, manipulating what they see as suitable behaviour and causing extreme heartache in the process.
I feel my upbringing has given me a good grasp on social skills. There are however times when put in certain situations that I find myself going against the grain and acting purely on instinct. It’s human nature to love, hate and require that companionship that everyone craves. Recently, I’ve found that friends, family and personal relationships have struggled to perceive the true meaning if my actions. Unwilling to invest in understanding, observing situations from my perspective.
I believe issues should be discussed and worked out, and if that’s not possible then at lease an amicable middle ground. After recent events, i’ve come to realise how alone I actually am. The primary frustration in this case is lack of closure.
I ‘d go as far to say, I avoid relationships/companionships to bypass these exact situations. I find myself now more alone than I have felt in such a long time, tears running down my face, feeling like I have been punched repeatedly in the stomach. Partner that with the worry of recent health changes, work worries and living situation; I’m not exactly in a great place right now. Sitting here in my room, the air so cold i can see my breath in the air, no close friends to call on in the immediate vicinity, the coming weeks are going to be a lonely place.